Talking With Your Kids About: Sex

By Dr. Sonia Borg

As a professional speaker for colleges around the country, I speak with students everyday who are dangerously uneducated on sex. Research reveals that by the age of twenty-four, one in three college students will have contracted a sexually transmitted infection and 40% of students who drop out of college do so because of pregnancy. The best place to learn about sex is from our parents.

Why some parents don’t talk to their kids about sex
The concern with many parents is that if they talk about sex with their children, they are condoning the behavior. Research from siecus.org, a sexuality health organization, reports that this is not true. In fact, if you look at sexuality around the globe, you will find that the cultures that talk to their children about sex have lower rates of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections. Some parents are planning to just avoid the sex discussion altogether, but that is equally dangerous because children learn that sex is something not to be discussed, especially with you.

Don’t be so concerned with HOW you talk to your kids. Be more concerned that you do talk with them. Children are okay talking about sex and their bodies. It’s usually the parent that has the problem. A lack of information and acceptance of a natural human response can be linked to sexual dysfunctions, sexually transmitted infections, and unwanted pregnancy.

Explore your own attitudes. Like all other attitudes, our attitude about sex is often inherited. Every parent knows that children do what you do, not what you say. If you have a sex-negative attitude, there is a good chance that your child will too. If an adult believes that their genitals are shameful or disgusting, that is exactly what the child learns. Parents and educators can communicate a “sex-positive” approach by not reacting with shame. Ask yourself if your view of sex is healthy and accurate. Are you satisfied with your sex life? If you answered “no” to any one of these questions, you want to take a closer look and consider consulting with a Clinical Sexologist.

The right time to start talking to kids about sex is when your child can talk which is usually 14 to 20 months of age. At this time, you can teach them the appropriate words for their penis and vulva. Don’t ignore these body parts. Ignoring them suggests that you have a problem.

Seek opportunities. There will be countless opportunities to talk about sexuality. Be ready to answer questions and approach the topic simply but honestly. When children begin to ask questions about their bodies, it is a good opportunity to give them accurate, yet simple information about sex.

Be a good listener. Being a good listener requires a lot of skill including empathy, compassion, attentiveness, and non-judgment. Are you the parent that your child could come to no matter what the situation? If not, become that parent and let it reflect in both your words and actions. This trust and level of support should always be present.

Teach communications skills. Teach communication skills surrounding self-respect and ownership of one’s body. Children need to know that their body and power of choice belongs to them. Never make any child hug, kiss or say something to someone they don’t want to, even if it is family. They should be encouraged to trust their intuition/feelings, and express what they want or don’t want without obligation, shame, or punishment.

Acknowledge. Children should know about the naturalness of sexual activity. Children are naturally impulse orientated and go through periods of being extraverted or inward in a circular developmental process. Parents and educators can take a neutral attitude by acknowledging sexual feelings and behaviors.

Express your own values. It is a parent’s responsibility to express their values about sex. For proper social development, parents and educators should label and relate behaviors to the broader culture. For example, if your child is touching their genitalia, which is completely normal, and your belief is that while their behavior is natural part of their sexual development, it is something to be done in private, tell them.

Be ready for their next stage of development. Children can get frightened and confused by the sudden changes their bodies begin to go through as they reach puberty. To help stop any anxiety, talk with your kids not only about their current stage of development but about the next stage, too. An 8-year-old girl is old enough to learn about menstruation, just as a boy that age is ready to learn how his body will change.

Talk about sexual health and safety. Don’t assume that your child is getting accurate sexual health information. Be proactive and become educated on sexually transmitted infections and how to practice safety, prevent pregnancy and use a condom.

Dr. Sonia Borg, Ph.D., M.P.H, and M.A., is a Certified as a Clinical Sexologist by the American College of Sexologists and a Sex Educator. She speaks about sexual health and awareness to college students across the country and consults with clients remotely and from her office in San Diego. For more information, go to www.TheHappyEndingsCompany.com.