The Art and Skill of Being a Good Lover

Is it an art or a skill?

Being a good lover requires both art and skill. However, if I had to narrow it down to one attribute that made my best lovers the best, my great lovers the greatest, it would be how in tuned they were to my sexual response cycle.

They all possessed a general awareness of the human body because the female sexual response cycle is similar to the male sexual response cycle and they all loved sex, whether alone or with a partner.

Whether you are a man or woman, knowing your own sexual response cycle and the cycle of your lover, will help you to know how to adjust pace, speed, rhythm, timing and pressure. You will know when to arouse, penetrate, and when to cuddle. How long should that cuddling be anyways?

Here is a simple version of the sexual response cycle. A more detailed version is in all of my books along with specific moves that work well in each of the phases.

1.) Early Arousal

· Heart rate increases and blood pressure rises

· Body muscles tighten up

· Penis, labia majora, clitoris, and nipples become enlarged and filled with blood

· Testicles rise closer to the body

2.) Increased Arousal

· Breathing deepens, and there may be moaning, gasping, or grunting

· Genitals get larger as they fill with blood

· Perspiration

· Vaginal lubrication

· Pre-cum, appear on the head of his penis

· Muscle tension increases, toes my curl and spasms show on the feet face and hands

· As the genitals swell with blood, they may appear darker

3.) As Orgasm Approaches

· Heart rate, breathing, and blood pressure reach their peak

· Thrusting reaches a peak

· Body flushes which appear like a rash

· Body becomes stiff (generally speaking) and for men ejaculation is inevitable

4.) During Orgasm

· Loss of muscle control

· The penis contracts as he ejaculates

· The uterus contracts

· The contractions may spread throughout the genitals, sphincter, and even into the rest of his body

· Men can orgasm with or without ejaculation

· Some women ejaculate a fluid

5.) After Orgasm (refractory period)

All men and women have a refractory period, the time before they can achieve an erection or orgasm again. The time differs depending on the person.

The better you know your partners genitals and sexual response cycle, the better lover you will be.

Exercise:

Doing this simple but powerful exercise is like giving your lover a class on how to get you off.

Have a mutual masturbation session. While you are stroking yourselves, go through the sexual response cycle sharing where you are on a scale from 1-10. Identify 1 as being early arousal, 10 as being resolution and everything else is in between. After you climax together and are in the post orgasm snuggle, debrief the 1-10 scale by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and moves that you did to yourself during each of the phases; so fun.

Sex as a Metaphor for Life

Is your sex life a metaphor for your life?

Do you have trouble asking for sex? Do you have trouble asking for what you want in life? Is your life a routine? Is sex a routine?

An ongoing longitudinal study at The Institute for The Advanced Study of Human Sexuality, is finding that people tend to keep their same masturbation patterns throughout their entire lives unless they consciously choose to change them.

Is the same true for your life? Do you take the same way to work, solve problems the same way, react to our spouse the same way, or make love the same way, even if it doesn’t provide the best results?

For 2010, change the way you do sex, and change your life.

Sex In The Moment

Many experts, such as Eckhart Tolle, discuss the importance of living in the moment. This philosophy is true for all areas of our life, including sex.

If we are not in the moment, our energies are scattered and we are not using our energies efficiently. If we are not using our energies efficiently, we are not fully giving or experiencing ourselves as the best lovers we can be.

Obsessing over performing sexual techniques correctly, thinking about how your lover hurt you, or worrying about pleasing our lover are all indications that we are not in the moment. These thoughts usually bring up feelings of fear, inadequacy, or sadness. Negative thoughts and feelings are usually the reason for a man’s impotence and a woman not being able to orgasm.

On a subconscious level we all know when someone is not in the moment, but we may not be able to articulate it. Use the negative feelings as an indication that you are not present and do something to shift such as: talking with your lover, consciously putting your problems on hold, focusing on your breath, focusing on the sensations in your body, or listening to their moans of pleasure. Dancing together, or doing a simple lead/follow exercise will help you to get reconnected: simply put your hands together while one person leads the hand backward, forward, up down, and in circles, the other one follows and then you switch.

You and your lover deserve 100% your best sexual energies. If you want to become a better lover, practice being in the moment.

Aren’t you glad you had that orgasm?

I was at the gym the other day and while I was packing my bag a woman asked if I was done with my workout. I explained that I was done, but almost didn’t make it in that day. She told me that there was something known about working out and that was that “once you worked out, you never regretted it.”

I immediately exclaimed that was also true for orgasms as well. Once you had them, you never regretted it! As a wise woman, in her late 70’s, she agreed.

So, the next time you are lying in bed (kitchen, staircase, baseball field, drive thru, bathroom, car, etc.) wondering whether or not you should have that orgasm, I pose the question to you, “have you ever regretted it?”

Are You Being AmbiSEXtrous?

Are you single handedly making love to your partner? I mean, do you only use your dominant hand during sex? Learning to be ambisextrous has its’ benefits. When you touch your lover with a non-dominant hand, you can access different angles and different positions. Every great masturbator knows that the feeling is different if you give yourself a lefty or a righty. I bet your lover knows it too.

Being ambisextrous may also allow for more sexual experiences that would not otherwise happen with dominant handed dependency. For example, let’s say you are out to dinner and you decide to try out one of my sexy under the table scenarios from my book and your lover is seated on the side of your non-dominant hand. Are you going to miss the chance for an erotic experience? I hope not.

Finally, being ambisextrous may increase your learning power. Learning specialists say that if you want to a stimulate the left (logical) side of your brain, you should use your right hand for tasks. Likewise, if you want to stimulate the right (creative,) side of the brain, you should use your left hand for tasks. Now, why shouldn’t those “tasks” be sexual in nature? Gives a whole new meaning to learning, doesn’t it.

So, whether you want to be a better lover or become smarter via sex, I hope you learn to become ambisextrous.

How to Get Your Woman to Have Sex with You Tonight!

By nature, women excel at seeing big picture views. The instant we step in the door we see: the mail on the counter, the crooked pillow, your socks on the floor, dirty dishes in the sink, and the list goes on. It is so distracting to us that we can’t sit down until its done and then there is ALWAYS more. It’s like a traveling itch. You think you got the itch and then it moves, and before you know it you’re cleaning the entire house.

If we do have sex with you when the pillows are crooked, your socks are on the floor and dirty dishes are in the sink, we have to use focus and expend effort to let it all go and be in the moment with you. And by that time, we expended all our precious sex energy by willing the urge to clean out of our minds.

So, if you want your woman to have sex with you tonight you must get the house cleaned!

Here are your options:

1) Do it Yourself! She will be so happy and enthusiastic about your thoughtfulness, she will be hitting you up for sex.

2) Hire a Housekeeper. If you don’t like to clean, or you can’t clean to her specs. then hire a housekeeper. Informal research suggests that men have more and better quality sex on housekeeper day than any other day of the week.

However, the best bet to help ensure that you will have sex with your woman tonight is to:

3) Take Her to a Hotel. Hotels offer room service, house cleaning, and laundry service, which leaves her with a lot of extra energy to have SEX WITH YOU, maybe even multiple times.